It's probably my algorithm but the flood of negativity feels like it's coming to a head. 2025 felt like a ramp up, and I'm either hitting the horizon or realizing there's more to this climb and I can't help but begin to feel tired. Most likely it's the amount of hours I spend on YouTube just filling the silence so I don't have to hear the same thoughts over and over shitting on myself for everything. Whatever interest I've shown in gaming news, world news, creator drama and politics is mostly passive and creates a sense of unease in the back of my mind.
And even if it's passively consumed, this is an insane amount of things to keep in the back of my mind. In the image above there's a video from HealthyGamerGG mainly run by a psychologist named Dr. K. He combines Eastern Hindu practices with Western mental health medicine and one thing this all pertains to is karma being more than just the universe giving back what you put out. There's a more personal version that lives within us that wants things solved and you won't have much peace without resolving it. These videos hand me too many karmic strands I can't tie up nicely.
Fears about layoffs, beloved games shutting down and people losing their jobs, AI taking over or ruining industries and all I want is to solve it all. Of course, I'll get right on it after I solve all my own issues. There's no shortage of bullshit raining down from all around me, and I think there's a middle ground to all of this information I'm mindlessly consuming. I want to think I'm better than others by not scrolling on some short form video app or an endless feed like Twitter but let's face it I'm not. I've replaced one vice with another and this - despite me choosing what to watch next - is really another trough to dunk my head in for more slop that takes me away from those karmic knots I need to tie up.
This blog, a website that acts as an all-in-one CRM for my brother's company, learning to be an AI orchestrator instead of a developer, and plenty other things are stacked on my plate. If I put more time into those I won't feel like I'm drowning, maybe just treading water so I can at least breathe. I like to think that I can multitask and watch videos "in the background" while I do something like writing or programming/debugging, but there's been plenty of studies and I think I'm tired of trying to buck against what my body's telling me. I have to put down the distractions and just let myself be immersed in the task. Obviously I can do it while I'm gaming, hell I hate when I'm not immersed.
So for now, not all hope is lost, especially after looking at that algorithm, Jesus. If these things stick in my mind and I feel somewhat like I need to help solve them, at least it tells me I want to give a shit about this world and make a difference.