There's been a low hum all my life, one that's hard to ignore but I've trained my mind so well that I can call myself a certified expert in distraction. It's always caused me a lot of discomfort and, due to my distractions, never sat with it long enough to identify what it was. The last two years have changed that; I think I finally reached a breaking point with my job and feeling like I've been stagnant. Yet the thought of applying for another company fills me with apathy. I'm not scared to do this for another five or ten years somewhere else that pays me more, but I feel the life drain out of me when thinking of having to feign excitement about updating some company's legacy systems or helping some startup do "Uber but for cheese".
That low hum began to quiet when I learned to take action on filling my plate with things that give my life meaning. While that statement feels a bit heavy, it's the only phrase that feels appropriate. I've finally become a Big Brother and so far my little brother is enjoying the time he spends with me. As for a career, I've taken the plunge to follow my family and became a small business owner. I set up an LLC after the same name as this blog, hopefully this won't be a stupid decision in a few years. I've always enjoyed serving and feeding people, and my daily lattes have become an obsession for me to experiment and perfect. What better way than to combine those two and offer something I've been wanting to see on the market, which is a sub-five dollar latte that isn't tiny and unsatisfactory. It's called Zeroes Coffee and I'm hoping to launch around June.
What really jump-started me was the need to file for my free LLC by the end of January since they were ending a veterans program. Then creating an entire webapp with Stripe API connection and an ordering system really got my gears turning. This was possible and it didn't have to be that scary. All the years of self-help and watching YouTube videos to make myself feel like I was being productive was finally coming to roost. They were right - well - at least the ones who emphasized taking action on things instead of just trying to give me systems that would work for very specific people or situations. Side tangent: trying to parse whether those self-help creators were genuinely trying to help or just making a video to collect their ad sponsorship money was difficult and a bit disheartening.
The rest of my time is filled with trying to deepen my relationships in life, I'm finally homing in on my values, and I find one of them is connection. I think I've denied that part of myself to make it smaller so I can fit into something Stephanie's comfortable with. She's never asked me to forego those things, I think I'm just codependent and have always wanted to make other people happy. After being with groups of people or having long conversations and catching up with old friends, I find myself invigorated, as if I'd just taken a nap. Leaning into this fills my time but I find it's well worth it, rarely do I ever regret going to support or see people I care about.